The Dumb and the Dumber
by mirrored light
Summary: "It must have really hurt when you fell from heaven." The biology of waitresses is discussed, the diner cliche is used to full effect, and pick up lines are the only thing that makes the story run because hey, don't they always? AU. JellalErza.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail**

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Erza Scarlet was having a bad day.

To start with, her shower wasn't working, so she had to use her neighbours, and he was a certified pervert, so there was no way of telling if she was being taped or not. Then she ran out of food and all the convenience stores were closed, so she had to go to the nearby diner (where _nearby _is five kilometres away) and then her car broke down.

She was planning on making a dramatic powerful entrance when she walked into said diner, to make herself feel a little better, but then the stupid swing door malfunctioned and hit her straight in the face.

Erza Scarlet was having a _very_ bad day.

She took her seat at a window table and picked up the menu. Almost immediately, a waitress with-were those _cat ears_?_ -_ bounded over with her notepad held out like a weapon of mass destruction. "Welcome to the Tower of Heaven Diner, are you ready to place your order?"

_It should be a criminal offence,_ Erza thought, _to be so cheerful in the morning. _Scanning briefly through the menu, she ordered everything on it. The cat- waitresses eyes widened, but she scribbled the order on her notepad and bounced back to the counter.

Order placed, Erza leaned back and looked around. The diner was mostly empty, except for the cat- waitress, a man with a suspicious resemblance to a Lego block at the pancake counter, a boy at the coffee machine and a mysterious stranger in a trench coat in the corner. Wait, did she just say _mysterious stranger_? What was next, befriending cat-waitress? Erza decided to limit her thoughts to _is my order ready yet_ for the near conceivable future.

A painful throb was starting at the tip of her nose. As Erza winced, the cat waitress bounced up. _Now what?_ She thought irritably. The waitress- was her name really _Milliana?_ - held out a small slip of paper. "From the gentleman in the corner."

In ordinary circumstances, Erza would never read notes from strangers. But then again she was stranded in a diner called the Tower of Heaven at 5 in the morning, and it was apparently biologically possible for waitresses to have cat ears. She opened the note.

Written in the center of the page in spidery cursive was a single line:

_It must have really hurt when you fell from heaven._

Erza's eyes almost touched her hairline. Here she was, suffering to struggle through a day so bad it must have been caused by an astrological anomaly, and to add to her pain, a stranger was _hitting_ on her? This. Meant. War.

Turning to Milliana, Erza smiled as sweetly as she could, and asked for a sheet of paper. Silently, the waitress ripped one out of her notepad. Erza grabbed a pen from her pocket and scrawled out a message. "For the gentleman in the corner."

Erza watched the man as closely as she could without being deemed a stalker. When he read what she had written, he tipped his head back and laughed. _You'd better guard that ass before I kick a shoe up it._

Curious. She had expected a glower, or even a frown. But when he laughed she could see his hair (blue) and his face (creepy red tattoo), so at least she knew what he looked like.

Almost immediately, the waitress returned with another sheet of paper. _You must be a Dementor, because that took my breath away. _

Erza rolled her eyes. Amateur. Dememtors steal your soul, not your breath. She scribbled her comeback: _If I made the alphabet, I would put U as far away from anything as possible. _

The reply came soon enough. _We go together like a parole officer and a convict avoiding prison. _

_We should hook up. Asylum or morgue?_

The man smirked as he wrote his reply. _Will I get to meet the family?_

Erza almost laughed. Almost. Then she realized what she was doing- exchanging in a note conversation almost bordering _flirting_ with a stranger.

_What are you doing? _She wrote quickly, folding it up and passing it to Milliana. She also ordered an espresso. (Just because she was in the middle of a moral crisis, doesn't mean she didn't need her java).

In response, the stranger got up in a smooth motion, and whispered something to the boy at the coffee machine. Then, flipping up the collar of his trench coat, he exited. The effect was impressive, marred only by the swing door hitting his foot on the way out.

Erza would have laughed this time, but she didn't. Instead, she felt…disappointed? About what? That a man she barely knew would actually hit on her with the purpose to date? He must have seen her in the corner and decided to get her daily dose of kicks.

The cat waitress handed her her coffee silently, perhaps sensing the mood. _Good_, Erza thought viciously, _the last thing I need in mindless animal related chatter._ She was just about to take her first gulp when she notices a strange squiggle at the edge of her vision. _Several_ strange squiggles. She slowly lowered the cup.

On the top of her coffee, where the waiter generally draws a dinky little picture of a heart or the Eiffel Tower, there were a bunch of numbers. Forming a pattern. A very recognizable pattern. _A phone number?_

Milliana handed her the bill. "Oh, and the coffee is from the gentleman in the corner."

Erza tried to hold back a smile. She really did. But as she reached for her phone she couldn't stop a large, _dopey_ grin from crossing her face.

Maybe it wasn't going to be such a bad day after all.

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**A/N: Shameless fluff. I feel unclean.**

**Reviews, as always, are greatly appreciated.**


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